Co-rumination (Achievement Nudge about a New State of Happiness)

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Last Updated on January 7, 2025 by Bill Truby

Ever had the urge to talk to someone about your problems? Be careful who you choose and how you talk with them. You COULD be making matters worse.

Achieve a New State of Happiness by Co-Creating Instead of Co-Ruminating

When you are stressed about an unavoidable situation, feel threatened by a new problem, or are fearful about how you will handle a new assignment…there are two ways to talk about it. You can go inside and have an internal dialogue, or you can talk out loud with one or more friends. Now…talking about it isn’t a problem. HOW you talk about it is. If you begin “ruminating,” you are going to make matters worse.

Ruminating is when you continue to talk about a situation, emphasizing the negative, rehearsing the hurts, not finding or acknowledging any new information, and you don’t attempt to create a solution. When you talk with friends and focus excessively on the negative without movement toward the positive, it’s called “co-ruminating.” BOTH ruminating and co-ruminating actually increase the stress and other negative feelings you will experience. Science proves it.

There is a history of various research studies about this issue. One study measured the stress hormone, cortisol, as evidence of how stress is experienced. They found that when people engaged in ruminating, it INCREASED the level of cortisol in the body. Co-ruminating increased cortisol levels even more.

It’s not that you shouldn’t talk to friends. It’s HOW you talk with them that matters. Studies showed that when you have a dialogue with someone who has experienced the same thing you are experiencing, but talks with you about how to handle it, the cortisol level DECREASES. It was even more beneficial when two people worked together to co-create solutions.

An example is a study done where participants were tasked with giving a speech, typically a fearful and stressful situation for most people. Cortisol levels were measured. When people who had the same fear level and emotional states were matched to work on the speech together, and they supported each other’s fears while working on the speech, their cortisol levels decreased. The more similar the two individuals were, the greater the reduction of cortisol. The conclusion was, if you choose the right kind of person, one to co-create solutions rather than co-ruminate, you are both bettered.

There is an interesting side note to this kind of research that is gender specific. It appears that women tend to co-ruminate more naturally than men. If a boy breaks up with a girl, she and her friends can fall into co-ruminating, which increases AND extends the sadness and stress of the situation. Also, interestingly, men co-ruminate too; but they tend to do it with a woman rather than another man. It seems that co-rumination comes more naturally to the female gender of our species.

So…now…I have two ideas for myself: (1) create a website, like those dating sites, to match up people with problems so they can co-create. I could call it “Match and Hatch – the place to match up with someone to help you hatch out a new solution.” And (2) schedule some counseling sessions for me to deal with the rejection I’m going to get from all of the women who focused on, and are at this moment co-ruminating about, how females more naturally ruminate. All I can say is, “Hey ladies…don’t kill the messenger!”

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This article is part of our ongoing Achievement Nudge series—short, witty, and often inspirational articles to spark your personal and professional growth. Explore more nudges on our blog, or sign up for our weekly Nudge and News email. Each edition includes an Achievement Nudge plus leadership, professional development, and personal growth videos and articles to keep you inspired and on track.

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