“If I Were In Your Shoes” (a POWERFUL Tip for Dealing with Conflict)

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Last Updated on October 7, 2024 by Bill Truby

Want to know how to immediately get control of a conflict situation? Bill gives an easy-to-use tip. It goes against human nature, but it is a proven method to calm a person and get the situation in hand to be able to find a solution.

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Video Transcript

I’ve been asked the question. What are some key tips in dealing with conflict?

Well, I’ve got a whole training on that. A 30-minute training that is very powerful. It deals with every aspect of it. But I’m going to give you one tip right now that is arguably the most important tip of all when it comes to dealing with conflict.

So somebody in conflict with you, what do they want?

They want two things. They want to be heard, and they want to have you give the notion that you’re willing to work on the problem to get some solution.

So the first tip is this – don’t fight them.

Receive what they have to say. In their mind they believe that they’re not only right, but they deserve whatever it is that they’re looking for, whatever it is they’re wanting, whatever it is that they think you need to provide for them.

If you fight that, it’s going to make their position stronger. They’re going to want to hold on to it. They’re going to dig in to win. That’s what you’re going to get if you fight.

So the first, first, first step in conflict management is to receive the concern, understand it and agree on it, not agree with it. When you do that, it gives that person a calmness, and it literally calms them down.

I can tell you stories and tools and how to calm people down in the bigger training. But right now, the most important thing is just to receive it. So here’s some things you can do.

You give appropriate emotional response, not anger but empathy. Wow, you say. That’s got to be horrible. That must have really hurt you. That must have really offended you. Whatever it is, you agree on where they are, and you start building that bridge of relationship.

It is so powerful. I could tell you story after story of how this has calmed people down just to get understood.

So you say, tell me more, tell me more, tell me more. And you say, what is the core concern you have with this? And you really try to play detective it, understand what’s going on inside of them as well as outside of them.

That is the first step towards getting any kind of resolution. Of course, you get the training and you’ll learn what to do next, which is to is to get permission for and bond with them so that you can give your side of the story, so to speak. But you don’t do it in a threatening or attacking way, and then you work together to find a win-win solution. But that’s got more to it than just those simplified phraseology that I just gave you.

But when you receive what they have to say, and empathize with them, and understand them and be able to repeat back their concerns, it is magical in calming the person down and having them work with you for a solution.

I worked with a minister once years ago. His name was Dale Brissette and he taught me this. He said, Bill, if you’re ever in conflict with someone, he explained the kinds of stuff I just said to you. And he said, use this phrase. And he used it. I saw him one time use it with a guy that was really in conflict with him. He was really angry at him and Dale said, you know, if I were in your shoes, I’d feel exactly the same way.

And he looked at me when he taught me that, and he chuckled a bit, because wouldn’t you? I mean, if you were in that person’s shoes, you’d be that person. So you’d have that kind of conflict, you’d have that kind of emotion.

So when you say that, it’s not only stating truth, it’s also giving empathy, and it gives that person the message that you understand.

If I were in your shoes, I’d feel the same way.

What a powerful phrase. What an empathetic phrase, what a way to connect in an others-centered interaction that gives them the message, I’m here for you. Let’s work this thing out.

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